Want to know something that I hate to admit?!
Ugh!! I have been thinking about writing this for a while. I feel so convicted and selfish. But here it goes..
I want, more than anything, for Amelia to get her trach out. Like, I would go to the end of the Earth to get that stupid peice of plastic out of her throat.
My fear is that she is getting scoped on June 26th and they will see zero movement. They'll likely say something like,"well, we will wait another 6 months and scope her again!" Noooooooooo! This is a huge fear of mine!!
This is why I am selfish, I want this more than anything, for my convienence. I am tired of being stuck at home, missing family gatherings, not getting to leave the house with my whole family, having to carry a giant freakin' bag full of "just in case" stuff every time we leave with her, worrying about her drying out, and emergency trach changes. I want to swim with her, shoot, I just want to be able to put her in a baby carrier and not worry about her trach being covered or her getting too dry. I don't want to be tangled in equipment every time I want to snuggle with her. I want to enjoy her being small, but she isn't small, she is a baby connected to a crap ton of stuff.
Don't even get me started on what my house looks like because of the tiny peice of plastic in her throat. You would be surprised by how much she requires because of that thing. If I'm not constantly organizing, my house turns into a disaster, really fast. I can clean and organize all day, but if I sit down for an hour, it's an unorganized mess that damn near causes an anxiety attack.
Soooooo, that's bad. I am a selfish jerk who has completely forgotten that this stupid peice of plastic....kept my sweet, girl alive. As I typed that, I started crying. It's very simple, she is alive, because of it. I didn't lose my daughter because of that plastic thing in her throat. I am not a grieving parent. I am so lucky, no, BLESSED by this STUPID peice of plastic.
I know that, before her appointment on the 26th, I need to accept the trach as a part of our lives. I need to be able to be okay if she has to have it for a while. Also, it's not in MY throat. Why am I so bothered? I can eat and drink just fine, without worrying about aspirating. She, on the other hand, is nervous about swallowing and doesn't take a bottle because of it.
All this to say, I'm needing lots of prayers. I would love everyone to praying for healing of Amelia's vocal cords, but more so, I need prayers for a heart/attitude change. I need to go into the appointment, accepting the trach as a forever thing.
Will you pray for us? We would SO appreciate it. 😊
Thanks, y'all!
Love,
Kelly
