Here we are.

I want to document this journey we're about to take off on. I want to look back in a couple years and be so happy at where we are, and see how far we've come. I have faith in God, that we're going to get through this much stronger than we started. And for that, I am excited. 

On Thursday the 26th of September, we had what we thought would be our last ultrasound for this pregnancy. It was a follow-up anatomy scan. During every pregnancy, doctors like to see how the baby is developing around the half way mark, so they schedule what's called an anatomy scan. The doctor looks at the brain, heart, and everything else. We had an ultrasound around 17 weeks, which is 3 weeks earlier than the normal anatomy scan. My midwife thought the baby was measuring large, so she wanted to make sure that there was only one baby in there. HA! David and I thought for sure we were going to be having twins! Sure enough, only one healthy, normal sized baby. We got to see the baby's heart. All four chambers were looking nice, the tech said how great it was that we could see them all so clearly. Good news! Who doesn't love growing a healthy baby?! At 28 weeks my midwife wanted one more ultrasound since 17 weeks was a little early for the first scan. No big deal, we love seeing our girl! The tech we had was....okay. She mentioned multiple times that she was having a hard time getting measurements, and complained about the babies size multiple times. "Baby is too big to be doing a scan this late." Oh well, we enjoyed the ultrasound anyways! On Monday the 30th of September we got a call from my midwife saying that she saw the ultrasound pictures and was concerned about the size of something in her heart. She assured me that it could be nothing and that it could have just been their machines not getting a good enough picture. Even though she told me not to worry, I immediately start crying. It's not fair, I just want to enjoy this pregnancy and not be nervous about something. I spent the first half worrying about losing the baby, since I had a miscarriage just a few months prior to getting pregnant, and now I will have to worry about my babies heart. We scheduled a fetal echo cardiogram to see what was really going on. A large part of me thought we were going to see a healthy heart because I didn't have full confidence in the ultrasound tech that kept complaining about the baby being "too big to do this scan". 

On October 3rd we drove 2 hours to Madison, so that we could be seen by specialists and have the echo performed. We had another regular ultrasound, which was much more pleasant than the last one. The tech did a great job at finding everything. After that, we were told that there was, in fact, something wrong with her heart, but we would know more once we have the echo. David and I needed some air and some food. So we distracted ourselves by walking around and grabbing a bite to eat. Then we went back for the scariest test I have ever taken. It was a 30 minute ultrasound looking only at her heart. The pediatric cardiologist was very quick and made sure she got a look at everything. She made a few comments about the baby practicing her breathing and how good that was! Then we went into a consult room and she started to draw out a picture of a normal heart and how it functioned, and then drew a picture of our baby's heart. She said a lot more things that started to all run together, and then I heard Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. Then she started talking about surgery on my newborn. I started to sob, hearing that my precious newborn would have to have surgery. I never, in a million years, would have thought that there could have been something so wrong with her heart. 

If you don't know what Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome(HLHS) is, here is a link to describe it to you. http://www.childrenshospital.org/health-topics/conditions/hypoplastic-left-heart-syndrome-hlhs.

We had several more hours of explanations and planning. 

As of now, baby girl will be delivered via c-section at Meriter hospital in Madison. 24-48 hours after her birth, she will be transported to a children's hospital just down the road. Between 5 -14 days after her birth, she will undergo surgery on her heart. If everything goes well, she may come home with us sometime around her one month birthday. She will need 2 more surgeries before she turns 5. 

A lot of my sadness had been incredibly selfish. I won't get to bond with her, I won't get to breastfeed her, I won't get to bring her home and enjoy the newborn stage, I will have to hand my baby over to have surgery. I know this is selfish, but I cannot help but be so broken over these things. What makes me most sad is knowing the pain she'll feel and I won't be able to comfort her. It breaks my heart SO much. I have 2 more months of having her to myself, I don't have to hand her over, and I don't have to see her in pain. I am choosing to put my sadness away for a while and enjoy the rest of the time I have with her to myself. 

Since the diagnosis, I have been praying for strength and peace. God is so good. I feel stronger than I ever have, and I know it's out of my hands. I am so blessed to be surrounded by so much support. David is incredible and his family is right here by our side's, ready to help. 

It's going to be a rough road, and there will be hard times, but I know my God is here to hold me.

We finally picked a name for our sweet girl. 

Amelia Faith Miller. 

Amelia means to strive or excel. We named her for success. We have FAITH in our girl and most importantly in the Lord. 

Love, Kelly.